Why am I so angry? I don’t walk around in a state of anger, but lately I’ve been camped out on the border. I think of those cheesy children cartoons where one minute the bull is happily grazing and smelling the flower, and the next his eyes are bulging and he’s seeing red.
That is how I feel.
The children are picking up on the undercurrent of my emotions and tend to be overly needed, whinny and hard to please. And I can not tell you enough, just how much I NEED them to be good, pleasant and happy.
I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I do have a “personal” relationship with him, but I’m suspecting that there are some emotions that I have yet to address. Possibly even concerning that “personal relationship”. It’s hard to tell.
My son just had open heart surgery. One of my favorite people in the world is laying in a hospital bed in a comma after having a sever stroke. And apparently I’m mad.
I couldn’t say about what exactly. I could tell you of an instance or two that have pissed me off over the last couple of months, but to say that one thing in particular has made me dwell in a dark place or in the vicinity of one, I could not say.
I chose not to give these “bad situations” much thought. I feel that there is nothing to be done, therefore I try to move on. Try to deal with the “now”.
But I guess that is not working.
I feel as though I have no time to grieve.
No time to grieve over the idea that my child would be born healthy.
No time to grieve over the dead hope that my Lord would heal him. (without surgery).
No time to grieve over my grandmother’s painful and fragile existence.
I can’t even have a moment alone in a day.
I can’t even take a shower without someone banging on the door and yelling at me.
I picked up the phone to call my grandmother today and realized that I may never hear her sweet voice again and I shed a tear or two before my daughter come into the room demanding something and wanting it NOW. Then saw me crying and got even more agitated.
Maybe I don’t take the time to grieve for my own sanity.
My children are on High Alert already.
If I break - even for a moment - the world as I know it could be destroyed and Lord help me if I don’t have the strength to put it back together again.
*I apologize for the intensity of this post, and promise that it will not be a regular occurrence.
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3 comments:
Wow. Relativity always seems to make one's own problems seem a lot less important.
I understand that it's hard to always try to be grateful and happy in the "now", but just think that if you can't be happy in the "now", then it's impossible to be happy. :/ For what it's worth, I'll try to say a little prayer for "still standing" and her childen. Take it easy...
I'm sorry. I've been where your at many times.
My son had surgery on his 5 month birthday. Just when things started to calm down with him after his first birthday my dad went into the hospital with a ruptured abdominal aoritic annerysm and stayed in the hospital for ll months until he died. I could never have imagined having to say goodbye to my dad but God did carry me through that with a peace that I cannot explain.
Not a day goes by that I don't fear for my son's health. Our pastor did a message this past week on healing and I had a revelation. Since my son's surgery I've always had this sense that God was telling me that Rhett would probably need another surgery but he was going to be ok and not going to die. I realized this past week this was more me putting God in my own box that I could manage than having faith in a huge God who has the power to heal my son. Even though I cannot imagine walking through open heart surgery again with my son and probably even worse if he was older and more aware somehow I think I thought if I told myself this was going to happen I was preparing myself for it. I think I was afraid of looking at the glass as half full because I would be getting my hopes up and than what if we got bad news one day and they would be crushed. So my safety is thinking he will need another surgery but he's not going to die. Well actually he is going to die, along with my dad, my daughter, my husband and myself and everyone else on this planet What if God chooses to heal my son? What if I spend the next few years thinking he will need another surgery and then he is healed and all those fearful thoughts were unneccessary. I want to have stronger faith than just keeping things safe. My God is able to heal RHett and I will beg him to do so as long as I can. If that does not happen than that's ok too. The same God who walked with me through the loss of my dad will walk with me through that as well.
I know this was the longest comment ever and it was all about my story. I hope it can help you in some small way. Give God your anger. He can replace it with what you need to be a good mommy to your little ones. I'll say a prayer for you.
Thank you both for your prayer. The sun is shinning and things do not seem quite as. . .dark.
Thank you both for your kind words.
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