To be or not to be . . . .

This is my two year old being sugar.

This is my two year old being spice.

Any questions?

My babysitter is fired.

So I get this call from my neighbor. “Still Standing, it’s Stacie, I just wanted to let you know *giggle* that you are about to have a couple of escaped convicts on your hands. . . I wish I had my video camera!” “Really?” I reply. “Yeah, your girls have managed to pry their bedroom window open and pop out the screen, and now they are eyeing a couple of toys that they toss out for good measure and I think they maybe about to go after them. Oh! And one of them is naked.” More chuckling ensues.
I was not home at the time of this attempted escape, so I called my attentive husband and told him that he may want to check on the kids.
I pulled up to the house shortly after and found a mostly naked child hanging halfway out the window about two feet off the ground. When I asked them what the heck they thought they were doing, I was informed that the toys needed rescuing and that they were going to save them! Not to worry.

Thanks Dora and Diego.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

After reviewing my last post, I realized that maybe I have a negative self image. . . .so off to the gym I went. That is where I am spending most of my free time lately. I will resume posting after I get a handle on this thing.
Wish me luck.

Random Stupids:

I had to conduct some casual business over the phone today. Apparently Jonathan, the genius, and highly intuitive guy on the other end of the phone, found me to be charming and possibly even witty for he asked me if I was married before the call was ended. I was completely flattered and had the goofiest grin stuck to my foolish face before I realized that the poor man has never laid eyes on me. So much for that.

I put the kids in bed repeatedly tonight. By 10:30 all I wanted to do was disappear. So after a minute or two of silence, I slipped outside to hide. Took a deep breath of fresh air; looked up at the sky and embraced the silence. The silence was interrupted by the sound of my two year old sneaking outside herself, apparently to hide from me. Boy was she surprised. She must think I’m everywhere. That’ll come in handy when she’s 16.

You've got to be blanket-in' me?

I took my dog for a much needed walk last night. Crisp fresh air, stars twinkling and the moon raising. . .it was quiet and refreshing. We were only gone a little over half an hour, and in that time my two year old broke a favorite toy and was put into bed.
I was met at the door by my three year old who had tears running down her face and was threatening through sobs to throw up if we put her back to bed.
I am confident that the previously mentioned fresh air helped me find this mildly amusing, well maybe amusing is a strong word, but I was able to avoid a desperate screaming rage.
Fast forward an hour or two and the house is quite. My husband is on the computer doing school work, two children are in bed and the other is quietly watching a cartoon on my bed and chatting with her father. I am in heaven on the couch; loving dog at my feet with a remote in my hand. No place to go, and nothing to clean. Quite and wonderful. . .
Then my two year old is up and sweetly asking for her “blankie”.
“Hmmmm…..Let’s find it.” I say. We look in her room. We look in her closet. We look under her bed. We look in her dresser. We look in her covers and in her pillowcase. We then venture to the next room. Same routine. Then the playroom. We check all the toy ovens, microwaves, baskets ect. . . . nada.
I ask my husband if he’s seen it. He generously mumbles a reply that resembles “No.”
My three year old gets excited and joins in. “Werd it go?....Werd blankie go mommy?”

I sneak into the nursery, not there, I check under and behind the couches, nope.

Ask my husband again. “Did you put her down with her blanket?”
“Yes.”
So I check our bedroom and bathroom. Then her bathroom. . . . Nothing.
I check the laundry room and the pantry…Nothing.
“Hunny, I may need your help.”
“Hummmhhh.”
He then charges into her room like it’s the most obvious thing. He looks under the bed, in the closet and behind the dresser. . . Nothing.
“Hummm…..she had it….”
Then he searches the playroom, a little less confidently…. And on through the house it goes.

By now I am somewhat bewildered. . . So I backtrack. Kitchen, Master, Laundry room, Bathroom, Nursery, and so on.
The only place I could think that I hadn’t looked was outside and . . . . .

. . . . . . with more than a little hesitation. . . . . . . .

BINGO!

Apparently I've let myself go...far far away.

My husband had an office party/awards night. We RSVP’d and planned to attend. Then everything went to hell, and I completely forgot about the party. Plus the fact that it was on a THURSDAY night. The whole thing left my mind and did not return until my husband reminded me on MONDAY.
Now if I was any normal red blooded American woman this would not have thrown me into a makeover frenzy. I would have had a recent pedicure. I would have a little black dress that looked amazing on me just waiting for a chance to be admired. I would have had my hair in a less than embarrassing state. And for Gosh sakes there would be jewelry, jewelry, and more jewelry all at my finger tips.
But no, not me. Not this stay at home mom of three lovely children the adorable ages of 3 ½, 2 ½, and 6 months.
I almost fainted at the idea of meeting all of his co-workers, bosses and the owners of his company with so very little time to prepare. The list of things that required overhauling in order for me to become presentable was staggering.
Clothes had to be bought. Shoe had to be hunted down like dogs. My entire body needed to be plucked, stuffed, cut, shaved, painted, exfoliated, dyed, waxed, lifted and squished.
So much to do in such little time.
I will admit to you that the idea of falling suddenly and violently ill, did occurred to me.
But vanity and a love for good food won out.
In the end it was a good evening. Hubby won several awards. I met the owners, his bosses, and co-workers, and their wives. . . . another post entirely.
And all the while I felt beautiful. Well, as beautiful as this particular body can feel given the present situation.
My babysitter/brother-in-law, whistled a sweet little ditty and complimented me appropriately. He was the only one besides my husband that had seen the before and knew just what a battle I’d won.
Yes, I felt victorious.
God Bless America.

This is deep, so step wide.

Why am I so angry? I don’t walk around in a state of anger, but lately I’ve been camped out on the border. I think of those cheesy children cartoons where one minute the bull is happily grazing and smelling the flower, and the next his eyes are bulging and he’s seeing red.
That is how I feel.

The children are picking up on the undercurrent of my emotions and tend to be overly needed, whinny and hard to please. And I can not tell you enough, just how much I NEED them to be good, pleasant and happy.

I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I do have a “personal” relationship with him, but I’m suspecting that there are some emotions that I have yet to address. Possibly even concerning that “personal relationship”. It’s hard to tell.

My son just had open heart surgery. One of my favorite people in the world is laying in a hospital bed in a comma after having a sever stroke. And apparently I’m mad.
I couldn’t say about what exactly. I could tell you of an instance or two that have pissed me off over the last couple of months, but to say that one thing in particular has made me dwell in a dark place or in the vicinity of one, I could not say.
I chose not to give these “bad situations” much thought. I feel that there is nothing to be done, therefore I try to move on. Try to deal with the “now”.

But I guess that is not working.

I feel as though I have no time to grieve.
No time to grieve over the idea that my child would be born healthy.
No time to grieve over the dead hope that my Lord would heal him. (without surgery).
No time to grieve over my grandmother’s painful and fragile existence.
I can’t even have a moment alone in a day.
I can’t even take a shower without someone banging on the door and yelling at me.

I picked up the phone to call my grandmother today and realized that I may never hear her sweet voice again and I shed a tear or two before my daughter come into the room demanding something and wanting it NOW. Then saw me crying and got even more agitated.

Maybe I don’t take the time to grieve for my own sanity.
My children are on High Alert already.

If I break - even for a moment - the world as I know it could be destroyed and Lord help me if I don’t have the strength to put it back together again.


*I apologize for the intensity of this post, and promise that it will not be a regular occurrence.